todays Borowitz report

STEINBRENNER'S WALLET TESTS POSITIVE FOR STEROIDS
Yankees Boss Denies Wallet-doping Charges

Just hours after the New York Yankees concluded a deal for star pitcher
Randy Johnson, the wallet of Yankees owner George Steinbrenner tested
positive for steroids, Major League Baseball confirmed today.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said that Mr. Steinbrenner's wallet had used
steroids to morph from a normal billfold into a "monstrous, bloated
moneybag," but added that Major League Baseball had no provisions for
penalizing the use of wallet-enhancing substances.

Speaking from Tampa, Florida, Mr. Steinbrenner denied doping his wallet,
arguing that if the wallet had been injected with steroids it had occurred
while it was out of his possession.

Mr. Steinbrenner suggested that a steroid-laced salve or gel might have been
applied to his wallet at night while it sat on his nightstand, for example.

But he cast doubt on the test results altogether when he said that the
wallet could have grown to gigantic proportions as a result of "strenuous
exercise" during his entire tenure as Yankee owner.

Rival baseball executives, however, were not buying Mr. Steinbrenner's
theory, arguing that his wallet appeared to have "unnatural bulges" at this
year's baseball winter meetings.

Boston Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein was among those suspecting that
Mr. Steinbrenner's billfold had used synthetic means to expand grotesquely
during the off-season.

"When I saw George at the winter meetings, I was like, either his wallet's
on steroids or he's happy to see me," Mr. Epstein said.

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